SO um and yeh, it has been quite awhile, yes? WELL a ton has happened since my last journal entry....stuff with my mom is still very stressful. She had to get a freakin TEN hour surgery to reconstruct because it was basically deteriorating from the amount of radiation on it. And now she has to breathe through a tube..thing and she can't eat and we have to give her medicine through needle sometimes and just overall it's pretty scary.

I haven't been doing that well physically or mentally either. I still think I'm better off not living sometimes...which I know is bad to think but you would think it too if you were me. and I ALWAYS cry now. Anything can set me off, even something stupid and small. I really need a therapist but for one, I DON'T HAVE THE TIME. I'm always doing band stuff after school from 5 and even 7 some days. And two, I don't think I can just tell some person I don't really know all my feelings. I have a hard enough talking with friends. Everyone says they will be glad to listen and I appreciate that but I always feel like a brat and like I'm bitching so I try to avoid it but then I just end up bottling it up and it all comes out due to something stupid and I feel like I am over reacting. I just always feel like an attention whore when I talk with people about stuff. Some people I know bitch about how bad life is..."I failed a test in a class!" or "My parents took away my phone!! How 'GAY'" or "being a teen sucks!" I feel like I'm one of them...even though I know I'm not. I have good reasons to be upset all the time. I decided to talk with one of my friends because she really wanted to help me so I started telling her and I started crying. She said it's admirable how well I take in the things that happen and that it's okay to cry, it's basically trauma. And that other people can't even imagine how it feels. But is it really admirable? I wouldn't know, I guess. I just really can't take it anymore. It's a lot of stress for a teenager, you know? A VERY not well mom and just extremely stressed from band/mom/school. *sigh* I wonder when things will be normal again. :\

And physically...bleh. I've been feeling very sick a lot. But I think it's from all the stress. Also, have you ever had an ingrown nail? If you have, you know they are a BITCH especially when it's on you toes. I have had a very bad one for like....2-3 months now. It's infected, it hurts to walk and I can't touch anything with it. Marching band doesn't help it either. Parents say I neeed to go to the doctor to get it "looked at" but I already know they will have to do surgery on it and I do NOT want that so I'm waiting for it to get better. Who knows what THAT'll be. -___-

ONIIICOONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! YAY!! I'm going Saturday and Sunday. I'm going as a female Luigi (like with a skirt instead of pants overalls.). I'm looking forward to it! :] Are you going? If yes, how long + who are you going as? :]




......Long journal is long.